Sadness.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. Not a day has gone by in the past year that she hasn't been on my mind or in my heart. My grandmother was such a beautiful person, both inside and out. For reasons I will spell out here, I unfortunately spent little time with my grandma in my adult years.

There are two memories that I will hold onto. One story will hopefully bring smiles and joy. The other, has only been shared with a very select few, but I feel like I want to share it here.

One of my fondest memories of my grandma was as an adult. We went to buy a dress for her to wear to my wedding. I brought her from South Bend and my mom brought nana from Chicago. We met in the middle. This excursion consisted of possibly the most one on one interaction my grandmother and I shared in my adult life. It was hard to find time with a grandmother of 30+ grandchildren, of which I'm the second oldest.

The trip was great. We had a chance to talk about what each of us were doing... some of our concerns (we had some sick family members), etc.. She was up for anything and I loved it. I was in and out of dressing rooms with both of my grandmas. They showed me battle scars of childbirth and surgeries, laughing as they went. Really, just hilarious. This is how it works. You have kids, you devote your life to them. Then you are 80 and wrinkled with the curtain of a dressing room open and don't give a damn. You've made it!

Grandma picked out a beautiful silver dress and jacket. Why stop there!? She was so cute to watch as she let the woman accessorize her (something she never does---maybe this is where I get it). She got the shoes, the earrings, the necklace, the bag---she looked amazing. I honestly don't know that I've ever seen my grandmother look more beautiful than she did on my wedding day. Her best accessory was her killer smile. It always makes me happy. I was so thankful to have this day with her--to share time, stories and a great afternoon.

This is a happy memory.

As previously stated, my grandma passed a year ago today. Around Christmas time, it was discovered that she had cancer. Despite check ups every 6 months, she had cancer. It was everywhere. It was devastating. My grandmother was the epitome of strength.

Some days when I am having a tough day, I try to imagine how I would respond to any one of the challenges life set before her---she would push on--that's how. And now she would try to push through cancer. To try to describe someone battling cancer is a lost cause, but as with everything, she kept her faith and remained strong.

In the weeks leading up to her death, I was not able to see her. Understandably, they were trying to prevent illnesses from coming into the house and taking her away any sooner. Not being able to see her was one of the most heart wrenching things I think I've had to go through. I called and tried to talk to her, knowing that it took all of her energy to stay focused and engaged on the phone, let alone talk. I sent flowers. Purple flowers--her favorite color.

The 12th was a Saturday, and with Valentine's Day and her birthday (17th) approaching, I went to get her flowers to send to the house. We knew that time was precious at this point and I made sure that they were delivered ASAP. The next part is what I haven't really shared....

The night of my grandmother's passing, I had a dream. In my dream I was working an intramural game at Saint Mary's. I looked up into the stands and my grandma was sitting there. She was radiant. She was there in jeans and a sweater, with her hair a glorious, glowing white. The brightest, most beautiful white hair I've ever seen. She was beaming--a broad smile that gave her crinkles around her eyes--the ones that let you know she's really happy. I was mesmerized by her even in my dream. And then she spoke to me, and she said, "It's ok Jackie, you can come and see me now."

I woke up to my phone buzzing a text message from my dad saying that my grandma had passed that night. It was surreal. She came and saw me before she left. While I would have done just about anything to have seen her before she passed, I feel eternally blessed that she came and comforted me, even in her final hour. I know that I was truly touched by an angel that night.

Maybe we always had a special connection. Maybe it's a grandmother's love. Thankfully, she received my flowers to know that I was praying for, and maybe she felt my heartache. Thankfully, she left knowing how much I loved her.

At her funeral, she wore the remarkable silver dress from my wedding.

And you thought I was nuts....

I've done my job. That's what I'm telling myself at least.

One of my goals as a coach is to show that running is much more than a sport. It's a lifestyle. It's part of your life, not just something you do for 3 months of the year. Not all of my athletes will become life long runners, and that's fine. It always makes me excited to see the ones that have made running a part of their life. I hope I contributed to that love or passion for running that what was once a sport has become a part of their day. That makes me feel fulfilled.

This weekend, the two from 'team crazy' that came up to run with me on my birthday are traveling down to Birmingham, Alabama for the Mercedez-Benz Marathon.... which will be the first of 5, yes FIVE, for Caitlin this year, and the first of at least 2 this year for Al. So... you thought I was crazy running one!

Why would someone do such a thing? For a great cause... Caitlin's brother has been serving in Afghanistan for I don't know how long now, but I can't imagine having a brother, my twin, being over there. Anyway, her five marathons are part of her bigger cause, running for Wounded Warriors. Please feel free to check out her website and help her out: http://www.runningforwarriors.com/

I'm so proud of both Caitlin and Alicen. I love that running has brought them closer and kep them close in the years after Saint Mary's. Just one of the perks of the sport.

Best of luck this weekend ladies! I know you will be spectacular :)

Inspiration...

I dare you to not be moved by this video.

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”  --Thomas Edison

Case of the Mondays

I was definitely riding a high for the past week, which was great. Although tough, I made it through the workouts. Nailed a hilly 16 miler on Saturday morning. It was a week of alumnae and sunshine. I'm not sure if it's the weather or what... but today I have a serious case of the Mondays. In a Dredg mood...

"Here we go down that same old road again

Empathy controls the wind that blows and tickles our skin

A memory, a regret, a hope, a stimulant....

Recent it seems

We must push on, we must push on

Though we bleed

We must push on, we must push on...."

8 Merry Marathons... Day 6..

San Francisco Marathon, July 25, 2010

I can't find a quote to quite put into words what I took away from this marathon. However, the shirt I picked up at the expo said, "Worth the Hurt" across the front, and I believe that is fairly fitting.

The San Francisco Marathon has probably been my favorite to date. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of fun times with the others, but SF was special. This is how it happened to be that I ran SF in 2010:

I'm sitting on the couch around Christmas of 2009, deliberating over what race to try to train for, especially in light of my wedding, quickly approaching. I thought--Bayshore, I'll go back-- it's not too far away, it's at a great time of the year, it's fun... sure let's do that. So I ask Matt about it. On board with this idea? It's about a month and a half before the wedding... the downside being I might be on the DL for running leading up to the wedding (not good).

So usually Matt is in agreement with these things... but he said no! I was taken aback, but not nearly as taken aback as to what followed... he wanted to run a marathon together on our honeymoon! San Fran was the only real option in the states the following weekend. NUTS. Here is a man who would get on me for asking him to run 4 miles together. HE wanted to run a marathon... with me! Now that's something!

This is the first reason that I loved San Fran. I ran it with my husband, the "non" runner.
We trained together a lot. Many a 8-10 milers. Most all of our long runs. He could kick my butt. That was humbling to say the least, and even more frustrating that he was "not a runner." As most runners know, the road is where relationships are built, strengthened, and solidified. I feel like marathon training was one of the best things we could have done together leading up to our wedding. It gave us hours to talk about things, or not talk about things that were on our minds. It gave us time to find out what annoyed us about each other and what we loved.

Barely a week after tying the knot, we were out to Cali---enjoying Napa before heading to San Fran for the marathon. I loved that there was no pressure. No time goal per se. The deal was that we were going to run together. The whole time. Start to finish. That's exactly what we did.



On the balcony pre-race. Yes, it was that dark!

 The course is just awesome. Being my first time in San Fran, I would say it's the best way to see the city. You start on the Embarcadero... head past Fisherman's Wharf, past Chrissy Fields and up to the Golden Gate Bridge. You run across the bridge...and back over. At that point you're around 7-8 miles. You come off the bridge and run through the park for miles. I had to pee at 13 miles. The hills are everywhere. No, not quite the hills that you see in pictures with the street cars struggling up... but some weren't so far off. You run down Haight Ashbury... you see the drag queens. Miles 21-23 are rough. There's hardly anyone around and hardly anything to see and of course, you are in extreme pain at this point.

You round the home of the Giants... The long home stretch calls you... It was amazing. Draining. Exhausting.

We finished in 3:34. Together. Then ate all the goodies our stomachs could handle until we felt sick and meandered back to the hotel to attempt at a nap...  Worth the hurt.

8 Merry Marathons... Day 5...

So I started this marathon count down project before training started... and then life happened. It was Christmas. I lost a family member. I lost momentum. It was hard to get back to the goal but I feel like I need to finish it, for myself.

Marathon 5: Sunburst, South Bend, IN June 2009

"You can’t cram for the final. By that, I mean you’re not going to get any fitter during the last couple of  weeks before the race. So don’t try cramming any last minute long runs or extra training. The best thing you can do for your body is rest." -- Gordon Bakoulis Bloch

Ok, so while I didn't 'cram' for Sunburst, I definitely was not ready for it.... not because I was unprepared....because I was overworked. If I had run the marathon even 3 weeks earlier, I probably could have had a huge PR day. This is the joy of being able to look back on races and training....doesn't help you on that day...but hopefully it helps you in the future.

Leading up to Sunburst, I was running well. Really well at the long distance. At the beginning of May I 'rocked' a 20 miler along the Potomac. 7:40 pace... ya probably should have just added the last 6 and run my Sunburst time of 3:23. Good grief! That wasn't the killer though. The killer was agreeing to run the River Bank 25k a week later (roughly four weeks out from the marathon). I ran a 1:53 at the distance. 7:16 pace...aka practically goal pace for Boston this year. It's not an easy course. It has some real decent hills. I would recommend it to anyone---just not that close to a marathon. The problem is.. I cannot enter a race and not compete... what was a "oh ya... I'll just run and use this as a training run" turned into how well can I race this thing. Too competitive. Tried to convince myself that I was 'holding back.' whoops. I'm pretty sure my dad advised against running this one... dang.

So... what is the point you ask? Well these training runs did not prepare me to race well at Sunburst, and I subsequently felt it at mile 16... hated myself at 20... was running (walking) alone up past mile 23... and just wanting it to be over. Mentally, I was totally defeated. I was on pace for a 3:08-3:12 through the first half and just fell apart. It was too much. Lesson learned---just because you can, doesn't mean you should go balls out on training runs. I feel like I've really learned a lot about how I best train...and while I love to run long at a good clip, it needs to be done in moderation. Glad to put this one behind me.

Sunburst 3:23. 9th woman

30 & Grateful

Big Thank You to everyone who made yesterday such a fabulous birthday! Biggest thank you to Matt, who made it a fun day full of surprises and friends!

Highlights of the day include: breakfast in bed, a long run with two former athletes,  a fun SMC basketball game, my brother coming into town, and dinner with great friends. Now I just want to nap!

In preparation for my 30th, I reflected back on past years and how I got to where I am today. In the end, I've put together a list of 30 things that I've learned over the years that I want to pass on here.

30 Things I’ve Learned in 30 Years

1.       I love that my parents did not let me read Seventeen before I was seventeen, or Teen before I was a teen.

2.       People will always be opinionated. Know what opinions matter to you and which are irrelevant. If I listened to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t work at Saint Mary’s. Thank you to my parents and John for continually supporting me while I made the tough decision to work crazy hours at multiple jobs to make it by and do what I love, coach.

3.       Change is hard. It is not always fun. It usually makes you a better person though.

4.       Cry. It’s cleansing.

5.       Don’t cry in front of your boss. (unless it’s Julie Schroeder-Biek).

6.       Go on a service trip. A whole trip. Not 2 hours of volunteering. Be amazed at how much your heart can grow.

7.       Frequently I am mistaken for a college student. Most people tell me to consider this a blessing. I see their point, but it’s really hard to be taken seriously or given much credit when people think you are the one being coached, not the coach! Not sure if turning 30 helps, but the grays might!

8.       Girls… get married… don’t get married… whatever you want to do… do it on your time. You’re the only one spending the rest of your life with that person---only do it if you’re ready.

9.       Litmus test for a good man= will he go to the store and buy you feminine products? If yes, keep him!!

10.   Go to the gynecologist. Yes, this is possibly my least favorite thing to do. However, if you want to have babies, healthy bones and live a long time, get ‘er done. Take charge of your health. (Along with this.. you are supposed to have periods… if you’re not---something’s wrong!)

11.   If I had a dollar for every time my dad told me “Life isn’t fair,” to my “It’s not fair!” tirades as a child I could retire tomorrow. As it turns out, per usual, he was right. Life’s not fair. So you figure out how to make it work.

12.   I was a feminist before I knew the word. 

13.   It doesn’t matter how competent I am… if I’m asked to speak in front of a large group of people, I WILL pit out. Look for it and please make a joke. It will make me feel better. Although I have tried to go to all sleeveless options when put in these circumstances.

14.   Respect is earned. For those that choose the, “I’m your elder” route… good luck.

15.   Someone is always worse off than you. Keep it in perspective.

16.   If your parents parent while you are a child, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be friends when it counts. I’m so thankful for this in my own life.

17.   You can only really help others when you’re ok yourself. Start on the home front, so you can be better for everyone.

18.   One of the lessons at Girls on the Run is illustrated through a tube of toothpaste. Can you put the toothpaste back in once it is squeezed out? Hardly. You can try. It gets messy. Therefore we should only squeeze out what we need when we need it. We need to take the same approach with our words. Be careful with what we say, because once it’s out there, you can’t take it back, try as you might. If you don’t know how you feel about something—wait. Sometimes the damage caused by hurtful words can never be repaired.

19.   I’m not a morning person. At all. However, I have been known to do some major fist pumping to Lady Gaga at 5:15am on the way to morning practices. Just saying, I <3 SMC XC.

20.   Being “little Bauters” was tough. In high school there were the running and academic comparisons; as well as the inability to date certain guys. Today, the only consolation is that I know if I do half of the amount of good in my life as John, I’ll die a happy person. Keep doing what you do best—making the world a better place.

21.   I was sued at 17. We won. There are a lot of life lessons in this one. Unfortunately one is that there are some really awful people out there.

22.   However, I have been blessed with some of the best friends and family a girl could ever ask for. If everything was gone tomorrow, I’d still be one lucky lady.

23.   Exercise. It brings such a genuine clarity of mind. All I need now is a device that I can carry while I run that literally records my thoughts as they free flow. If anyone can create this portable device, count me in! I’m pretty sure I’ve cured cancer, wrote novels, and had general enlightenments on runs that would be noteworthy at this time. However, I find that I return to being a sub-intelligent human being once I stop. At least I know that stuff is still working upstairs…

24.   Success doesn’t come overnight. Success comes from hard work, long hours and learning from failure. Remember that failing is part of the gig. Sometimes it might sting but it makes you stronger.

25.   Cancer is everywhere. I quite possibly will die of cancer. So here is what I say: Live your life. Love what you do. Know that any day it might end.

26.   #25 being said, death sucks. Nothing really ever prepares you for it.

27.   College really is the greatest time of your life! I miss my running buddies to rehash weekends and life problems. I miss ‘tea time’ with the Ireland group. I miss eating tots in the old DH. I miss spending 99% of my waking time with my other half, JB. I miss actively learning.

28.   I strongly believe that you should have to pass a test in order to procreate.

29.   Having your curly and unruly hair (and bangs, mind you) cut on the front porch by your CPA father throughout grade school builds character. That’s what I’m telling myself.

30.   Putting yourself “out there” is scary but such a great learning tool. It makes you stronger. Writing this blog scares the crap out of me. I’ve definitely censored thoughts, reconsidered ideas, and tried to keep my audience in mind for perspective, but ultimately feel like I’m sharing a lot of who I am. If we’re honest with ourselves—I don’t know if we can ask for much more.

There are so many other things I could have included, like some of the quotes to live by... but there is only so much time! Look for more in blogs to come. If you have any 'nuggets of wisdom' that you've gleaned from your experiences... share!