Sadness.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. Not a day has gone by in the past year that she hasn't been on my mind or in my heart. My grandmother was such a beautiful person, both inside and out. For reasons I will spell out here, I unfortunately spent little time with my grandma in my adult years.

There are two memories that I will hold onto. One story will hopefully bring smiles and joy. The other, has only been shared with a very select few, but I feel like I want to share it here.

One of my fondest memories of my grandma was as an adult. We went to buy a dress for her to wear to my wedding. I brought her from South Bend and my mom brought nana from Chicago. We met in the middle. This excursion consisted of possibly the most one on one interaction my grandmother and I shared in my adult life. It was hard to find time with a grandmother of 30+ grandchildren, of which I'm the second oldest.

The trip was great. We had a chance to talk about what each of us were doing... some of our concerns (we had some sick family members), etc.. She was up for anything and I loved it. I was in and out of dressing rooms with both of my grandmas. They showed me battle scars of childbirth and surgeries, laughing as they went. Really, just hilarious. This is how it works. You have kids, you devote your life to them. Then you are 80 and wrinkled with the curtain of a dressing room open and don't give a damn. You've made it!

Grandma picked out a beautiful silver dress and jacket. Why stop there!? She was so cute to watch as she let the woman accessorize her (something she never does---maybe this is where I get it). She got the shoes, the earrings, the necklace, the bag---she looked amazing. I honestly don't know that I've ever seen my grandmother look more beautiful than she did on my wedding day. Her best accessory was her killer smile. It always makes me happy. I was so thankful to have this day with her--to share time, stories and a great afternoon.

This is a happy memory.

As previously stated, my grandma passed a year ago today. Around Christmas time, it was discovered that she had cancer. Despite check ups every 6 months, she had cancer. It was everywhere. It was devastating. My grandmother was the epitome of strength.

Some days when I am having a tough day, I try to imagine how I would respond to any one of the challenges life set before her---she would push on--that's how. And now she would try to push through cancer. To try to describe someone battling cancer is a lost cause, but as with everything, she kept her faith and remained strong.

In the weeks leading up to her death, I was not able to see her. Understandably, they were trying to prevent illnesses from coming into the house and taking her away any sooner. Not being able to see her was one of the most heart wrenching things I think I've had to go through. I called and tried to talk to her, knowing that it took all of her energy to stay focused and engaged on the phone, let alone talk. I sent flowers. Purple flowers--her favorite color.

The 12th was a Saturday, and with Valentine's Day and her birthday (17th) approaching, I went to get her flowers to send to the house. We knew that time was precious at this point and I made sure that they were delivered ASAP. The next part is what I haven't really shared....

The night of my grandmother's passing, I had a dream. In my dream I was working an intramural game at Saint Mary's. I looked up into the stands and my grandma was sitting there. She was radiant. She was there in jeans and a sweater, with her hair a glorious, glowing white. The brightest, most beautiful white hair I've ever seen. She was beaming--a broad smile that gave her crinkles around her eyes--the ones that let you know she's really happy. I was mesmerized by her even in my dream. And then she spoke to me, and she said, "It's ok Jackie, you can come and see me now."

I woke up to my phone buzzing a text message from my dad saying that my grandma had passed that night. It was surreal. She came and saw me before she left. While I would have done just about anything to have seen her before she passed, I feel eternally blessed that she came and comforted me, even in her final hour. I know that I was truly touched by an angel that night.

Maybe we always had a special connection. Maybe it's a grandmother's love. Thankfully, she received my flowers to know that I was praying for, and maybe she felt my heartache. Thankfully, she left knowing how much I loved her.

At her funeral, she wore the remarkable silver dress from my wedding.