Rocky top

Yesterday we arrived in Tennessee in the afternoon for Megan Gray's wedding and had time to get out for a training run.

I had to find somewhere to enjoy the beautiful surroundings so we headed to Haw Ridge Park with miles upon miles of trails.

The trails were amazing and challenging, especially in the heat! As tough of a run as it was, it just made me wish I lived near trails. I think I could really get into this trail running business!

However, today the legs are killing me. Two days of TRX and hill running has caused some major discomfort. Really hoping they'll be feeling better for the planned 13 miler tomorrow.

Sometimes I really do think I'm nuts...

Me with the beautiful bride...

Trail running & Finding my spirit

Nothing gets you out of a rut like getting back to the reason why you love something.

This past weekend I traveled with the team to Pinckney, Michigan to run in the Trail Ends 5 mile run. I've been interested in running the trail half there for the past several years, but it always fell on a weekend with previous commitments. This year it worked out!

Anyway, all the rumors about the difficulty of the course were true! It is a single track ("on your left" was necessary because otherwise you were in the trees!) course that winds through some of the most beautiful woods. You don't really have the pleasure of scoping out all of the scenery because you need to pay attention to where your feet land---especially on those downhills---they go fast! Surrounded by beautiful lakes, in the middle of a state park, I felt home. It was a reminder of why I love to run. To be outside, breathing in all of the great goodness. Feeling nature around me, miles from cities and noise.

I really enjoyed being able to share this racing experience with my team. While I'm sure some of them are still cursing me because of the hills (j/k), it was definitely REAL cross country. Don't worry about your pace. Run your race and get through. It required toughness. I loved that.

While the team slept on the way home, I jammed out in my 15 passenger van. All smiles.

 What a great looking group!

Hail/sleet

Date with the treadmill.

10 miles.

Quads are talking to me.

Keep pushing.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Greatest Fear

Felt like this was a good post for today.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

--Marianne Williamson

I'm starting to feel ready to let the light back out....

A tribute to YOU

Uncondtional Love: affection with no limits or conditions; complete love

For the past week, this is what I have felt from family and friends. It has been amazing. Since walking away from the course last Monday, I have been totally overwhelmed by the number of emails, text messages, face book posting, cards, calls and support from friends and family. It has been both healing and painful, in a weird way. It is indescribable how I've felt with all this love pouring in. Although I never felt like anyone ever valued me solely for my running ability (or at least anyone I would call a friend), it has been incredible to hear that you are OK without it. You're OK, no great! even with a DNF. It's a little hard to grapple to be honest, which is why it hurts. Not because I feel like I need to run well to feel good about myself, but because running well does make me feel good about myself---and I really wanted to have that feeling last Monday.

So, in order to get me back on track and also honor all of YOU, who have continued to let me be myself, Jackie, here is a posting of your kind words. I share these for everyone to see the power of kindness. The power of reaching out to friends. I also feel like I want to capture all these words as a reminder to myself, today and in the future, that even when I feel like I've "failed", things will still be OK. I hope everyone is all right with me sharing.... Unfortunately, I do not think I'll be able to put them all up.

I'm pretty sure this was the first message in on Monday:

"Jackie, I love you and am still incredibly proud of you." --Joanne

"Strong amazing and SMART. Definitely not worth the risks. You are a fantastic role model. It is hard to know when enough is enough. That takes smarts and courage. Be sad and pissed for a while. And then hold your head high in confidence. Very proud to be your friend." later... "Mother Nature is a bitch. Seriously. I would kick her ass if I didn't suspect she is closely connected to God." ---Kris

"Love you like a sister. Just hope you're ok...." --Lisa

"Have a good trip! I hope you're not too upset. I'd rather have a functioning Jackie than a finisher Jackie" --Becca

"Are you ok?! Your time dropped off the computer--I am praying you are!!" --Ann

"That is HOT. Unfortunately runners can't control everything on race day. Your decision to stop was wise and had to be a HARD one to do. Good thing you are 30 for a whole year and there will be other marathons to get that 3:0? ;) " --Kristy

"I was so worried about you--so I'm happy you had the sense to do what needed to be done. I give you SO many kudos for training and attempting! Wow!" --Debbie

"Jackie, love you no matter what! You are amazing... and smart for not killing yourself! If you want another go at it, I know 2 girls running a marathon next weekend that you could run with :) not a 3:08 but maybe a 4:08. Love you!" ---Caitlin

I've been meaning to write you to say, "Screw the elements."  There wasn't a doubt in anyone's mind that you were going to run 3.0x.  Maybe you weren't sure, but everyone else was.  You're awesome, you threw your heart and soul into training and GOTR, as well as many others, are forever changed because of that.  Don't stop being you. Much love, Laura

"Proud of you sis. You'll pounce on another one. I know the journey was hard but worth it. You're my rock star." --Fritz

"Love you tons Jackie. We're so so SO proud of you! YOU'RE FANTASTIC!" --Dani

Jackie... Heard about Boston....just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.  I know our situations are different, but I know how devastating it is to train and then have things go NOTHING according to plan.  Just please know that you are my running hero! You are my inspiration for training and having a passion for running.  I'm proud of you for getting through the training, as well as for blogging about it (b/c as you said numerous times....that isn't like you to do).  Know that I think you rock!  Also, just getting to Boston...Holdy S*** that in itself is an accomplishment :) Hope to see you this Friday.  Thinking about you! --Kathleen

Know that all of you have touched me and for that-- I'm forever grateful.

Know that little gestures move hearts.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” --Mother Teresa

Heartbreak

At the expo on Saturday, I was rummaging through all of the merchandise and fancied a t-shirt that had a heart  broken in half with Heartbreaker written across it along with some other text. I looked at it and wanted to kick Heartbreak Hill's butt right then and there. Mentally, my game was 100% on.

Instead, two days later I found myself unwilling to continue the race to make it to the notorious Heartbreak Hill. My heart sank. It is sunk. Since Monday, I've thought over the race and my decision to pull out at the half way point countless times. Unfortunately, each time seems to muddle what once seemed like an easy and appropriate decision.

Well before the start of the race it was evident that Boston was not going to be a PR endeavor. Initially, it almost felt like some relief--the weight of my own expectations were lifted from my shoulders. There was a lot of back and forth conversation, but although other people deferred to next year, I knew this wasn't an option, with all the travel and expenses that had already been incurred, so I tried to be as ready and positive as possible.

There was no way to predict what was about to come. On Monday, I arrived at athlete's village right around 7:30 am. It was already warm. I sat in the village, trying to keep out of the sun and my skin cool for the 2 hours before departing for the starting line. I peed three times from 7:30 until the gun went off. There was no way to get any more fluids in me, and I had been consuming gatorade and water in excess for the past 4 days. My pee was clear.

Standing in the corral awaiting the gun, beads of sweat ran down my chest. My plan was to take it as a nice long, easy run. Well, that didn't happen. Maybe it's because it's a race and I can't hold back, I don't know. Out of the gates I was at or faster than original goal pace---and it felt great! My legs just wanted to go! A good sign that the training had come together. After cruising through the 10k the heat, coupled with the pace, really started to impact my running. I couldn't get cook despite drinking at every station and running through the sprinklers.

Not Good.

So I decided to bargain with myself. Make it through Wellesley to see the girls. It's time to pull out. My feet were scorching. My shoulders felt like they were on fire. Running for possibly two more hours just seemed silly. Why? Just to have another crappy finish time? At that point I guess finishing wasn't the priority. It seemed stupid. My body was hating me already---13 more miles!? This felt worse than Chicago in 2007. Maybe it's because I've had some decent marathons since then too, that I just wasn't ready to put up with that crap. I pulled out at the Red Cross tent at 13.4 miles. Absolute in my decision, I started to process what I had just done.

I thought about all the people on the course cheering for me. The teammate from college--her kids making posters for me--waiting at mile 24. A college friend and husband in Newton--I wouldn't make it to them. Matt--who was bopping around the course, and how I wasn't going to make it to his next spot. I thought about all the people who had sent me cards, words of encouragement and had been my biggest supporters. I thought about all the people who contributed to my fundraising efforts for Girls on the Run. I thought about my team who sent me off in the best way possible. I thought about all my hard work over the past four months.

Only then did I feel like a failure. I feel like I had let people down. I let myself down. But how? There was no way I was going to achieve what I had set out to do anyway! Then I finally let myself cry. In the car, on the way to retrieve my belongings at the finish, amid all the finishers, with their sense of accomplishment and triumph. Medals around their neck and gimps in their step. I longed to be one of them but it wasn't in the cards.

A few days later, I'm still trying to figure this all out. I'm not satisfied with any of it. You don't bust tail and make sacrifices for that long to have a freak hot day on the east coast ruin you. That's how I feel about it. This was supposed to be my curtain call race so to speak, with plans to take a break from marathons for a while. Totally unacceptable. I'm too stubborn. Now my head is all over the place though and I keep looking for which way to go--and I don't know. Run another race? What if that sucks too? Do you try for a marathon? Try for a 1/2? Say that it's over?

Right now there is no answer. I wish I could put my new Boston jacket on and wear it with pride. The tags hang on it, the burnt orange color a reminder of the blazing inferno, as it taunts me. I can't wear it---will I ever?

When running is such a large part of your identity---how do you bounce back, after heartbreak?

BAA weather advisory email

Just in case you were wondering....

Update to Entrants in Tomorrow's Boston Marathon®
Sunday, April 15, 2012 as of 4:30 p.m.
 
Running any marathon involves risks
The weather conditions that we will be seeing on Monday, April 16 will involve even more risk.  It will involve an increased element of risk to all participants due to the heat.  Only the fittest runners should consider participating.
We have put in place a broad array of services and support for our marathon participants, but the risks that will be presented on April 16 will be higher than normal.
Therefore, in cooperation with the Boston Marathon's Medical Team, it is our recommendation that anyone entered in the marathon who has not met the qualifying standards for their age and gender strongly consider not running, and that they strongly consider deferring until next year.
Another essential factor to take into consideration is whether you have ever run a full marathon in weather conditions involving hot temperatures-and that can mean temperatures even lower than those that may be present on Monday.  Do NOT assume that any experience you have in running a cooler marathon will be a reliable guide in making the decision in whether to participate or defer.  You must factor in the heat.
Everyone who does choose to participate should strongly consider running significantly more slowly that they normally would plan to run a marathon.  We have extended the opening of our finish line in support of this recommendation.
For the overwhelming majority of those who have entered to participate in the 2012 Boston Marathon, you should adopt the attitude that THIS IS NOT A RACE. It is an experience.
MOST IMPORTANTLY-everyone needs to take responsibility for their own safety.  Ultimately this is an individual sport in which individuals must take responsibility for themselves.
Boston Athletic Association

That's what I've been reading....but don't freak out!

This is where the road took me....

Ok people... Race day is upon us. In order to get to bed at a reasonable time, I will keep this brief and not 100% precise. Here are some figures though:

16 weeks ago I started a journey and set the goal of running a sub 3:10 marathon in Boston at the age of 30.

During that time I averaged roughly 50 miles a week for somewhere around 800 miles. These miles were logged on 3 pairs of Wave Riders (4th for the marathon). These babies now run $115 but I always get a deal.

I had a half dozen or so training buddies that helped me log the miles and For whom I am forever thankful.

My goal was to raise money for Girls on the Run. The goal started at $1000, then $1500, then why not $2000. If you can do it, why not? Nearly 40 donations came in and helped me exceed my goal with a race day total of $2620.00. A big thank you to my parents for the last push and putting me at 100x my distance!

All of these numbers bring me to one that is sort of sad. Tomorrow it is supposed to be 87 degrees. Having lived through Chicago in 2007 I know this means my dream of a sub 3:10 is out of reach.

It breaks my heart a little really. All this time and effort--and I don't get to put the hard work on the line tomorrow. I'm hoping to run a smart and safe race. Some friends aren't running because they know it's not a PR day. But you know what? I'm here. I worked hard and I want to cross that finish line!

It's time for bed. Thank you for all the well wishes. I can't believe I'm running tomorrow!

Well said & in town...

"Running has given me the courage to start, the determination to keep trying, and the childlike spirit to have fun along the way. Run often and run long, but never outrun your joy of running."
--Julie Isphording, ran 1st women's Olympic Marathon in 1984

I'm pretty sure this sums up my relationship with running. God I would have loved to been at the 1984 Olympics, the women are just remarkable.

Made it to Beantown. Race day weather: 87 degrees.

Team Crazy :)

I can't begin to express how thankful I am for all of the support I have received in the past four months--and especially in the last few weeks and days.

Every time I turn a corner I feel like well wishes and gummies are being bestowed on me--how does one girl get so lucky?

Today, I had several of surprises, all of which brought a smile to my face. But one also brought tears of joy and pride (?). As we prepared to head out for practice the team suddenly just up and left. A few minutes later they returned with "team crazy supports bib #7150" shirts on. Awesome. A coach lives for these kind of moments.

I really hope I can make everyone proud. You'll all be on my mind.

Thank you! Hopefully more pre-race. Depart tomorrow!

Secret Entry

The content of this entry will be revealed on Monday, April 16th or soon after the running of the Boston Marathon.

GRATITUDE

A few weeks ago I was asked to fill in for a Girls on the Run coach at one of our sites. I hadn't coached since last spring at Swanson. I was both anxious and excited to be back. Being passionate about the mission and messages of GOTR makes it easy to get back into the groove.

These girls were amazing! A unique bunch, like always, there were all types of personalities, energy levels and feelings towards running. The lesson for the day was Gratitude--which I noted at the time as being so fitting for me to sub in light of my campaign.

I started thinking about all the things I was grateful for: in my life, my relationships, my career, etc.. And it's a long list. In light of this SoleMates effort though I decided to do the activity like the girls--think of something for each letter of gratitude--and run a lap after each letter. They come up with some funny stuff! Ice cream, underwear, traffic lights! You never know where their little minds go, and some of them can be challenging.

This is an attempt I came up with on my run the other day. Yes, this is what I think about some days.

Goals--that is what started this challenge and continued to motivate me along the way.
Relatives--oh man they have heard about the ups and downs and still put up with me (sort of!).
Alumnae--These women make my world a better place.
Team--they become alumnae, 'Nuf said... And the concept of team never gets old for me.
Insight--why I love training, it helps me learn more about myself.
Training partners--while infrequent, they are always enjoyed and provide a great pick me up.
Underwear--hey! Why can't I use this one too!? I think we're better off for it!
Donors--I'm continually surprised and inspired by the willingness to give to my cause.
Enthusiasm--it makes anything easier--and more fun!

Ok, this does not do my list justice... But it's an attempt.

What are you thankful for?

Boom shakalaka

One week!!!

I had some awesome training runs in the past week. I'm taking that as a sign that it is all coming together.

Thursday was 3xmile at tempo interval pace. Ended up doing 6:35s roughly and felt good. More than anything gave the lungs a workout. Just great.

Proudest of my Saturday run. By design it was shorter--for the taper--but was a fast finish run. I have been unsuccessful at most of my fast finish run attempts (I have my theories) so I really wanted to do this one well and feel confident.

Well, Friday I finally got a much needed massage, which probably helped Saturday's run as well. The idea for the 10-12 miler was to mimic the course as much as possible and do the last 4-6 building to goal pace and just beyond--really fatiguing the legs.

So I picked what many people would consider an awful course to run. Down Cleveland to SMC and back. Basically 5 each way. I like it because I don't have to think and it's a down hill at the start and a series of upgrades in the last few miles.

Started out faster than I was supposed to but was even trying to control the pace--it just felt ghat good! Rolled through the first five like nothing. Then it was time to change gears.

First time it's been easy for me all training. I think at least partially, if not mostly, because it wasn't a dramatic jump in pace. Anyway, the last five were great. It's exactly where I want my mind to be next Monday. Nothing was too big. Climbed the hill at Castle Point faster than race pace and felt good. Last mile came in at 6:50. Of course then I wanted to be done--but mission accomplished! Bada bing! Bada boom!

I'm ready to tear up Heartbreak hill. Bring it!

Choices...and finding the "right" answer

Yesterday one of my athletes came in to talk to me. After a few minutes, she shared how distraught she felt over a recent decision--which required choosing between some family time and school work. Visibly upset, I tried to empathize with her. The only solace I could offer though is the decision has been made, and now you just need to move forward with that choice.

After talking with her I headed out for my workout and thought a lot about what she was going through. Being comfortable with the decisions you make is easier said than done. As you get older, there are more decisions to make. The choices carry a little more weight.

I've actually been thinking about this a lot recently. This past weekend after my long run I felt a little down. I started reflecting on my training--the past 13 weeks and beyond. My conclusion: I could have done more. I could have cross-trained more to be fitter. I could have lifted more to be stronger. I could have done more hills to be more prepared for the race course. These were all decisions that I had along the way but as I sulked, I had to be ok with my choices. And after my 10 minutes of pouting, I did feel ok about my choices.

Why don't I train more? Harder? Longer? I'll tell you. Somewhere along the way to becoming who I am today, I decided that I wanted a 'balanced' life. For me that means being able to spend time with my family and friends, working my odd hours, and being involved in the community---while maintaining a good relationship with exercise and running specifically. So while my day is often arranged best as possible around my running (nutrition, sleep, weather make for scheduling better running times), it is not the end all.

In fact, why I was so bummed on Saturday after my run was because my training partner was sharing how much time and effort she had put into her training and it made mine feel sub-par. It's hard to remind yourself that everyone is different and has different capacities and abilities. It worked for her---but for my training time to increase it would probably mean I was sacrificing somewhere else in my life.

The hard lesson is finding what is "right" for you. There is no right or wrong. For the people that make running their life---I'm jealous, in a way. I tell myself that if I were able to give that time and devotion to training, I could be even better than I am today. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening. Largely, because I do work hard now and know that my other responsibilities and interests take up so much time that something else would have to give to actually be successful. So it works for some and I need to live with my choices.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I have phenomenal friends and family and I couldn't imagine not spending time with them. I have a team that I love to work with and wish I could be with more often. It's just hard to imagine that I haven't tapped all my potential because of my choices---not because I'm unable.

And... well life is funny... your choices will always change. You will graduate from college and not have to worry about picking studying over something else. There will be phases where some things need to come to the forefront and others need to sit on the back burner.

Ultimately though.... isn't it pretty damn good to have choices?? I'd say so.

Blogging on blogs...

A few weeks ago I was interviewed by a Notre Dame student who is an assistant coach for Girls on the Run this spring. She is currently writing a blog for the Michiana Runners Association--and is doing a great job!

Here is here handiwork: http://michianarunners.blogspot.com/

Thanks Kat! Keep blogging!

My new crack

Right now I am totally 100% obsessed with Lululemon. The addiction is pretty bad. I pretty much stalk the site every night, fawning over the beautiful threads.

This is what (some) runners do. And why not? If you're going to be spending hours upon hours training, you should definitely be comfortable... AND feel great about what you are wearing!

Seeing as I spend roughly 85% of my time in athletic apparel, I feel like the new addiction is fairly healthy. I mean, at least it's useful, right? And so cute!!

How did it start? My mother in law, Becky. Yep, Becky, it's all your fault!! :)
At Christmas she bought me a beautiful black running jacket with sweet detailing. The hood had a ponytail holder. There were thumb holes and hand covers--amazing! It was warm and comfy for my first long runs in training. After that, it all went down hill.... and now I'm on the site all the time. This does not mean I'm buying things all the time--just oogling them!

However, I did purchase the Pace Setter Skirt (birthday money!) and absolutely LOVE it!! I'm pretty sure it is the most comfortable skirt I've run in--and I've gone through a few. The shorts stay in place. Just good stuff. Highly recommend if you are looking for a great running  skirt! Isn't it cute?!? No, those are NOT my legs. I WISH!

It's not cheap---so a lot of looking but I thought I would share... in case anyone else needed to have a fun little obsession for a while. I just love that there are more companies like Lululemon, creating great garmets for running and working out :)

Lululemon has been showcased recently because of their business success.

Check out the recent article in the Wall Street Journal. Shop today at: http://www.lululemon.com/!

for my dad

I've thought about and re-written several starts to a blog today. In the end, what I needed was to post this video. My mind has been all over the place and I needed to feel inspired.

I can't watch this video without crying, for so many reasons. I hope you all enjoy the video. Be inspired....

Dad, thank you for always picking me up. I love you.

3 weeks!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

Three weeks from now I will be through the finish line at Boston. Amazing!

This weekend was a big one a week of ups and downs. The long run loomed before me and after some serious conversations with myself, I was ready to tackle the long run.

I had the pleasure of running with a new running buddy and the miles flew by and suddenly there were 10 miles completed. We parted ways at that point for the start of the Holy half, which I wasn't running.

Instead of freaking out or feeling lonely (so to speak) I really enjoyed my alone time. I just ran. It felt great. I fell into a rhythm and just hung out.

Next thing I knew I was through 20 and a few miles from the car. The mind never failed me but the legs started to beg and bargain with me as I rounded the corner near the car and ticked off mile 23. I had really wanted to do the full 24.

Instead I stopped just beyond 23. But-- I went home and put a mile in with Cole! I'm pretty sure that move saved me from being ridiculously sore. The legs hurt when I got out of the sitting position and felt much better afterwards.

Victory!! Such a mental achievement. I really needed a solid long run and made it happen. Longest training run ever.

Nothing but smiles :)

P.S. Boston packet came in the mail today!! Stoked!

Oh what a... WEEK

Let's be honest, this was a rough week.

Monday: started the week with my head on straight and excited for a big week. Had a 6 miler.

Tuesday: another day of incredible heat in South Bend. 10 miler. Drenched in sweat. Legs aching.

Wednesday: ROUGH recovery run. Pain in nearly every step. No rhythm. Tried to just make it through.

Thursday: epic FAIL. Wheezing on the warm-up. Not a good sign. 2 miles into a tempo run, collapsed on the sidewalk and cried. Literally. Sat there and sulked. Beat myself up. Got angry and ran home. Was stubborn and tried the workout again on the treadmill. FAIL. Cried. Felt broken. Felt like everything was going wrong and I had no way of stopping it from happening. Rode my bike home (don't ride a bike up Cleveland) and came home to see that one of my athlete's had donated to my cause. Cried. Happy tears.

Friday: determined to not end the week in my current condition. Ran early. Sweated out the 5.5. Nervous for tomorrow's run. Legs hurt still. Not sure why. Still running with a sock in my shoe to cushion my tendon. Anxious for tomorrow's run. Found a package on my front step. Made my week :)
Received a care package from two previous members of team crazy--some of my alumnae. Cried.


Care package from Cait and Al :)



Ladies, you'll never know how much your letters touched my heart.

I am so thankful to have you in my life.



My pre-Boston care package was filled with goodies, and booties (socks, shown here) that will be used en route to and during the race. And what I'm pulling most from all of it, is the words that have been repeatedly shared among us: I CAN, I WILL. Despite this week's setbacks, I have a renewed spirit as I head into tomorrow's run. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tomorrow:  The big run. 20-24 miles. We'll see how this guy goes. No pressure... just really want it to go well and give the confidence booster that I need.

Thank you to everyone for listening, supporting and consoling me throughout this week especially. I know I'm emotionally drained which is not helping---and although I don't always say it, I really appreciate all you have done for me.

For myself I'll close with this....

"God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither

pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily."

 -Unknown

Early mornings are returning....

We had to take the car in which meant that I needed a lift to work this morning. Early. Well, not so early... but early enough when you're used to going to bed around 1:00 or so... I'm such a night owl.

I'm excited to be up and out early today though because it is supposed to be record high heat again and I don't think that will mix well with my tempo run planned for the day. So, here's to hoping that the legs will get out of their funk soon and I can enjoy the coolness of the morning!

Somehow I signed up for a 7:00 long run on Saturday too. Then the team AM practices start Monday... better inject myself with another shot of crazy, it's going to be a rough looking few days. But so worth it!

Important Digits

It's official.

I'm bib #7150.

Starting in Wave 1 and Corral 8.

10:00 start time.

Want to get updates during the marathon of my whereabouts? Click Here for Directions

Mid week 'medium' long run

10 miles.

82 degrees.

60 oz water.

Legs are going to hurt tomorrow. Butt/ham are still sore from the hills in Kansas. 'Recovery' run tomorrow will be a genuine recovery.

emotions

Today, I'm....

a Sport Psychologist's dream... or nightmare.

I'm experiencing the whole gauntlet of negative emotions. I've been tracking my training against last year's training, which most people would say is a good thing---it's how you learn, how you evolve, get better, etc..

Instead though, what I've found is that my training is inadequate. I'm slower. I'm not hitting big runs.

As a result, today is a day filled with....
Anger...saddness...frustration... and fear.. of being an epic failure in 27 days. The 3:08 hangs above my desk, taunting me. Seeming so utterly out of reach that it is just a tease. Why, should a mediocre runner, with a desire for balance in life (and therefore not making running my be all), even dare to dream these dreams?

The trouble is when you want something so much and it no longer feels possible.... it HURTS.  It hurts BAD.

Kansas!

Made it back from Kansas last night.

Awesome.

Had a great three night stay with Fritz & Jessie and I loved the area. So much to do. We ate at a great BBQ place called BB's with live blues music (1/4 chicken, yum!). Saw the art museum and it's mummy. Picnicked at the Shawnee Mission park (and ran up a massive hill the day before a long run).
Enjoyed a band at Power & Light on St. Patty's Day and just had a stellar time!

Oh, and I finally had a chance to meet the kitties; Lucy and Benny. Hilarious.

It really was vacation week. Before leaving for Kansas I felt really out of it--disconnected. The simplest things were really taxing. Running was not rhythmic and my schedule was way out of whack. Just a whole lot of not good.

With my pathetic injuries In tow I headed to Kansas to escape the disconnect and be ok with the unease.

Being in a new place can do a world of good for me. Just those few days if new scenery and someone to run with really helped me get out of the funk.

Now, I did run for two hours on Saturday with a sock folded over and shoved into my shoe (gently tied) to keep from irritating an already sore and swollen tendon (that's my guess). Thankfully though Fritz helped me through the first seven, making it much more enjoyable.

Today--day one back in the Bend. It was almost 80 and I saw about half of my team--so spirits are high--for now!

This week is big for training. Last big push before the start of the taper. Yikes!

Freakin' out... and road bumps

It's spring break and nearly 70 degrees in South Bend, what could go wrong? Right?

Everything!!! Ok, well not really... little dramatic, but it seems like when it rains it pours around here.

About a week ago I started to have this annoying pain on the top of my left foot, right where the laces tie. Damn. Pretty sure I strained it and of course it only hurts when I run. Joy!

A few days later the inevitable. These things happen when you are so intelligent and gifted like myself. My second toe is pretty long (they say this is a sign of intelligence, I'll take it!) and has a tendency to get beat up. It started throbbing a little bit say last Thursday. Well, sure enough, after my 20 miler Saturday, there it was--big old blood blister under the nail! This is the only toe (right foot) that gets them. It's special. So of course I had to perform a small surgery on my toe; cutting the nail down to nothing to be able to access the blister....

Oh, you don't want to know the gory details? Ok. Well, the only bad thing about draining blood blisters from under nails, that I am aware of, is that they hurt more afterwards! The toe becomes uber sensitive, to the point that putting a sock on is uncomfortable. Great. I'm still working through this one (not painful just annoying) as my nail was bubbling out some sort of fluid the other night. Sweet. Just in time for flip flop weather!

Then the hamstring started up. Now, mess with a toe. Mess with a little over strained tendon. I don't mess with the big guys. You start working through major muscle issues and someone gets hurt--me! So I had to adjust my schedule. Instead of a workout yesterday, I did a slow recovery run. Probably a little necessary from last week anyway. It's feeling better and I'm attempting to do Thursday's workout today--so a little rearranging all around.

Having a different work schedule this week is really throwing me off too. I took yesterday off--yay! but it also makes for a weird running schedule and just kind of makes me feel disconnected from my training. Sound weird? That's ok, I'm weird. Anyway, now I'm going into another Yasso 800 workout with these little aches and pains and no company! I'm freakin' out! They're so fast. How am I going to do it? What if I can't do it? What if I completely flop!? This week has been such a running let down--and it's not at an ok time at all. I'm 33 days away from the marathon and all I want to do is hide and hope someone else can do the workout for me---it would be magic.

Ugh. Why?! On this beautiful day do I feel so deflated? Someone please come shake me. Until then, I will press onward and hope that my mental state does a 180 before I hit the track. I'm sure there will be a lot of pleading and praying on the way there that it goes well. For my sanity.

Oh Sundays...

What a difference the weather makes, huh? Maybe I should re-consider where I live.... my mood is 100% better when the weather is nice. Yesterday, was such a great Sunday. Despite Day Light Savings, I managed to get some solid sleep and wake up on my own time---amazing! Then to my surprise it was blue skies and beautiful.

We took Cole to St. Patrick's park for a nice hour plus of walking, smelling and drinking up the river. Why don't I go there more often? This is a really good question. I love being outside. There was hardly anyone at the park when we got there, which made it that much more relaxing and enjoyable. The legs felt surprisingly good and refreshed from the walk. Mostly though, it was a day for the Munchkin (Cole) to get out and play.

Here's my baby!

And after days like Sunday at the park... this is what he looks like....

He's got it tough....



Long & Steady

So today's run was 18-22 miles. Pace: long and steady.

I'm going to be honest, I haven't been running these long runs nearly as slow as I should have been doing them. So today I tried real hard to keep the pace slow... But I love going fast!!

Running slow can be a real challenge for me but today's run rocked. Dare I say...it was easy! Targeted doing 20 and nailed it. The weather was beautiful. I mapped out a quality course beforehand that included some good variation of terrain and scenery which kept me occupied for the nearly three hour run.

Not a whole lot happened between the ears during the run. I'm not exactly sure what I thought about--I think there was a lot of not thinking going on--just a lot of free your mind, Jackie time.

Man, what a rush! Also, I sported this sweet new sweaty band that my mom
surprised me with this weekend. I've never been successful with headbands. The Goody ones always slip off my little head, despite the grip, and I love Goody products otherwise!

This thing was sweet!! It stayed in place. Didn't give me a headache or irritate me. Basically didn't know it was there until the wind picked up and hair wasn't flying in my eyes. Recommend!

Well--had my delicious steak (sorry veggie friends) and am looking forward to relaxing. I love that a good run makes for a great day!

Rules of the Road

Ok, this blog is long overdue. As a fairly seasoned runner, I feel like I need to share impart these important rules of running with everyone.

During the past months of training and throughout the last few years as I've branched out to different training locations, I've noticed some interesting facts about my fellow pedestrians. Namely, they don't know what they're doing out there! and it drives me crazy!

Sorry, there might be a little venting in this blog. As a coach, I try to not only train but also teach my athletes things about the sport of running. Some of these nuggets of knowledge are absorbed immediately and put into practice, others take time.

Being on a pedestrian friendly campus (campuses) is great and a nice place to run. There are paved sidewalks that are cleared in the winter. There are crosswalks. There are roads restricted to cars. Just lovely if you can't get out to a park or on nature trails.

However, these paths are not always fun to navigate. Here are some of the basic rules that I would like to share. If you didn't know them, that's ok! Now you do. Pass them along. Make our running community even better than it already is--I'm sure it's possible.

1. When you run on a road, run AGAINST traffic. Why, you might ask? This is so that YOU can see the car and the car can see YOU. This is especially important if you train with music. You can't hear that car behind you. What if there is a little dead squirrel on the side of the road (sorry but I come across a lot of them) and you run wide to go around it? You don't look behind you, you just move! Boom--hit by a car. Let's avoid being hit by cars.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves because I run on the correct side of the street and people run on the incorrect side--making me run into people and traffic. Just dumb. Not safe.

2. If you ride a bike on the road, ride WITH traffic. In essence you are another vehicle. You should also follow the lights, signs and laws of the road. Just like cars. I can't tell you how much I freaked out the other day. We were driving around Clark Street in Chicago and one side of traffic had a left green arrow. A biker came blazing through the intersection from the other side to continue going straight. I almost saw this guy get blown off his bike. Scared the be geezers out of me. Again, let's avoid being hit by cars. Play by the rules.

3. If you walk, skip or do any other bipedal form of transport, you also move AGAINST traffic on the road.

4. All these rules (basically) go out the window when you move onto a trail, sidewalk or path that otherwise does not allow motorized vehicles. How? You operate like a street. So everyone--bikes, runners, walkers, rollerbladers, etc.. will all do what they do on the RIGHT side of the path. This enables people to pass on the left. Hence the common but seldomly used phrase, "on your left." When people run on the incorrect side it creates confusion, frustration (me because I end up moving in the game of chicken because the other person looks clueless), and possible injury. Again, let's avoid getting hurt.

5. When you pass someone--let them know! Again, this is where "on your left" comes into play. So let people know you're coming so they can move. If you're the person being notified--move--to the RIGHT! There have been so many times that I've given people the heads up that I'm coming (and especially walkers for some reason) and people move to the left or stand in the middle of the path (because they must want to be run into).

6. Give a wave, a nod, or a little smile to fellow runners. When I'm out there I try to give a smile or wave to other runners, only to see a confused look or no one looking back at me. Why is that people are so unfriendly out there? Runners are some of the nicest, happiest people I know--but when I'm out around campus I feel like I must be doing something wrong because of the looks I get sometimes. I've heard that I look 'intimidating' which my only response is---I'm working hard out there! Maybe that's just the way my face looks! Geez...

7. Headphones. Yes, just about everyone is plugged in these days.... and a LOT of the time. At this time I'll just focus on listening to ipods etc.. while running. It's not right or wrong. There are some purists out there that never like to listen to music and some people who can't run without music. To each his own. However, if you are going to be tuned in to music it means you are largely tuned out to everything else. Be conscious of this when moving about. For example---look behind you before crossing a street or drastically changing your running path--a bike or another runner might be coming up behind you and you just cut them off!

Here is a start. There are so many other nuggets of wisdom that have come to mind but will have to wait!
Now that you are armed with the rules--use them and pass them on!

Role models

It doesn't matter if you like football. It doesn't matter if you like the Colts. One thing I think everyone should agree on is we need more of this for young people to look up to.

Take a look it's definitely worth a read.

http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/7660415/thanks-memories-peyton-manning

5 weeks + 5 days

Until race day.

And $500 to reach my goal. If you've been enjoying the blog and would like to give, please check out:

http://www.active.com/donate/michianasolemates/jbauters

If you want more info on Girls on the Run and what I'm doing--email me! Jfbauters@gmail.com

SUPA SUPA GIRL POWA

or in English... Super Super Girl Power!

Oh ya, it was one of those kind of days. How else do you describe 65 and sunny in South Bend... in March! I'll take it, thank you very much! It's been a while since my last post. Not because I don't have things to say, but because someone has yet to create my thought recorder/transcriber. Hello! All the good ideas come on the run... and they fade to the background once the pounding stops.

Maybe I should do my work from a treadmill?

Back to the amazing day. So, I'm definitely still sore from Sunday's Body Pump class. Yes, that sore. I might have actually strained my bicep. Sounds pathetic, I know. My girl, Kelly, has been swearing by this class forever and I finally had the chance to get to one.

Note to self: Going to your first Body Pump class the day after a long run may not be the best idea.

Today was a medium long run, with the last 10 minutes at a quicker pace (optional). Despite the soreness, I was really looking forward to the run---soaking up the sunshine, stealing some great miles, working out the kinks. Even the wind (and I mean wind) could not be a spoiler today, but I was suspicious of the unsettling feelings at 2.5 miles. I suppose your body will get finicky with such drastic weather changes though.

After the little blip early on, the run was smooth sailing. More than once I felt like I was just hoovering, only barely skimming the top of the pavement. It was so liberating! My pasty white skin saw the sun and was freed from the layers they'd been enveloped in for months. I digress...

I ran down Darden and past Christ the King, one of our Girls on the Run sites this spring, secretly hoping that I would see little heads bobbing around the back of the school. No such luck, but this week is the first week for all of our Girls on the Run sites in Michiana--very exciting! Last I knew there were 66 girls enrolled in the program in five different sites. It has come so far in such a short time. Just last spring I helped coach our first season with 13 girls---and look how we've multiplied!

With our growth comes many new faces. I was fortunate enough to meet our new assistant coaches last week during their training session. Meeting these young women who will bring joy to the program was refreshing. They were enthusiastic, passionate and just fun. After working with the organization for nearly three years (holy crap) it was reassuring to know that the mission will be carried out by individuals who committed to GOTR. During our meeting we got fired up and practiced the energy awards (hint: super super girl power is one of them) and these girls lit it up.

These thoughts and emotions came over me as I passed the grade school--making my run that much better.

Let Your Light Shine

For my team:

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within."

--Elisabeth Kuber-Ross (Psychiatrist, 5 Stages of Grief)

As we work on our leadership skills to become a better unit, remember that it is important to have confidence in our abilities, so that others will want to follow our path. I love this quote for many reasons. In my opinion, stained glass is the most beautiful when there is just a flickering of light behind it... like the light in your heart and soul. Be proud of who you are and what you do.

You all do amazing things--believe in YOU--so others can too.

Rollercoaster Week

Well the past week has come and gone. Not without it's own ups and downs however. I had a feeling this last week was going to be a little tough, but I wasn't sure how or why. For all the runners out there, maybe you can empathize as the first three days of the week I was plagued with all kinds of not fun intestinal discomfort. It's always interesting when stuff like this happens... like what did I do to you small intestine?! I've been eating the same foods that I've consumed thus far--what gives!? Needless to say... it made running hmm... a little more "exciting" some days.

However, I beat whatever was trying to bring me down! Next step was tackling the Yasso 800 workout. I might as well of had IBS... that's how nervous this workout makes me. Why you ask? Well, I guess I put some weight on it. For those who are unfamiliar with the "Yasso 800's," it's a workout designed by legend Bart Yasso, that has been deemed a fairly good predictor of your marathon performance.

Before I continue, I will say, that no, this workout is not a sure fire predictor of your marathon performance. If you google the workout, there will be a lot of haters out there that have too much time on their hands, so they blog or comment on how worthless this is as a marathon predictor workout. What I'll say, is it's pretty good, and probably just as good as any workout one of these people has deemed valuable at predicting marathon performance. At the end of the day, it all depends on the person. In my experience, it has been fairly close at predicting performance--but (if training goes well) I usually race better than the workout predicts.

So here's how it works. You do 8-10x 800. The pace you are able to complete these in is the equivalent in hours and minutes to your marathon time (with some give on either side). So for example, my target is 3:10. So if I can run the 800's at 3:10, there is a good chance I will run near a 3:10 marathon. For this reason, the workout scares me--because it gives you an inkling of where I'm at in training and how much further I need to go.

Here comes the up of the week. One of my former athletes, Joanne, joined me for this workout. Yes, she is just that good to just 'pop' in and join me. And then drill me. It was awesome. It was hard. There was a lot phlegm involved. Running with Joanne really made me miss being part of a team. I also realized how much harder I could work if I had people to push me---it's been a long time since I've done workouts with a group. By the 8th rep, Joanne embraced the role of the coach and encouraging me on--to a 3:09 (as she led). I can't thank her enough for helping me work through a tough workout to build my confidence. Now I need to find a group...so I can rediscover those fast twitch muscles I had in grade school and high school as a 200m runner... ah... so long ago...

By week end, I was ready to put in a big run. Definitely sore from the week, I chose an 'easy' long run route, that could be viewed as mentally challenging or engaging--depending on the perspective. Due to the recent snow and general nastiness that returned to South Bend I ran from campus--a 6 mile loop, repeated three times. Not exactly exciting but it works. The 18 miler pushed me to 57 miles for the week. Still walking--always a good sign :)

7 weeks until Beantown.

She paved the way...

It's incredible to think how far women have come... but how far we still have to go... if I were to pick one woman from the history of female racing that I would love to meet, it would be Joan Benoit. What she has done for the sport, for women, and just as a human being, is remarkable. It is amazing to think that I was two years old when they ran the first Women's Olympic Marathon. It would have been incredible to watch. If you want to see something truly fabulous, check out the video.

Whoa! We're half way there....

Well today marks the half way point.. 8 weeks down. 8 weeks to go. It's been interesting so far. For the most part I feel good about the training. I'm getting to the point of training though that I know the doubts are going to start creeping in my mind. It's the time of training where you are far enough out that there is still a lot to put in the legs...but it feels close enough that you wonder how you'll ever do what you planned and hoped for based on where you are currently. Maybe being conscious of this period of doubt will be enough to get me through it. This past weekend's long run was not ideal---although I should just be happy with it, I'm not.

Running along the lakeshore in Chicago was great.... as long as you were headed south. Too bad I went south for the first half. The second half into the wind was brutal and I'm pretty sure I lost my face somewhere along the way. I had to pee the entire time---hello Chicago! there are millions of runners--no bathrooms at all in the winter!? As any runner knows, having a full tank for 2+ hours is hmmm... NOT FUN. Ahhh well...

After coming down in mileage last week, I'm bumping up to 60 (hopefully) this week. The first of my Yasso 800's workout comes this week too, which should let me know how much trouble I'm in---or how on course I am so far. I've laid out the meals for the week, which should cover the enormous appetitie that will come with the miles. And then it's a matter of finding the time and energy to get those miles in on top of my other commitments. It might be time for a massage after this week!

Redemption

So--not completing the workout was really eating at me. Ruining my day, which just is not acceptable. So after work I decided to give it another stab--outside though. Unbelievable. Went over to the track and just told myself, don't worry too much about the pace, if it's not as fast you want, let's just get through it.

So the workout was 4-5x2000 +3x200. I finished one repeat in the AM. Well last night, I made it through the first repeat and it felt good. It felt much easier than it did in the morning...so I said, let's just see if I can get a couple more. Ended up doing 3, total of 4 although not at once :(  During the last one as I clicked off the laps and mentally checked my progression through the repeat...20%....40%.... if it were easy everyone would do it Jackie. 70%...This is nothing, lap and a half. 90%...Done. It was SO mentally gratifying. I probably could have gone for the 4th (or 5th) but since it's my 'recovery' week and the plan calls for going on the shorter side of mileage, I decided I would take it.

The 200's just reiterate that even distance runners have butts... and they help you find them. Which I do feel today. I'm pretty sure it was a combination of my stubbornness and frustration that called me back to the workout--which is new for me. I feel like last year I would have conceded and then been frustrated until the next good workout. I'm all in.

"Never Quit. "Don't ever, ever quit.

Recognize that stopping now, regrouping to try a new approach isn't quitting.

If you quit you'll regret it forever."

~ Rudy Ruettiger

Looking forward to my 18 miler on Saturday. Planning to run along the lake front in Chicago. Biggest run yet... so I'm hoping it feels good. I've been mentally preparing for it this week. Maybe the next post will disclose what takes place in my head for 2.5 hours of solidarity... and how amazing it is..... All you crazies out there know what I'm talking about :)

Happy Weekend---February is flying by!

Fail

Attempted my workout this morning. Fail. Not sure why it was so hard but I couldn't get through it at all. Really frustrated right now. I'm hoping to give it another shot tonight, we'll see. I was really hoping this workout would go well. This is the first week of genuine 'marathon' training, aka the hard stuff starts coming out... and it sucked. Not a good feeling. Sixty days until Boston... need to re-group.

Call me a lucky girl

Monday's text exchange:

Matt:  Get your run in?
Me:    7 miles
Matt: Nice work... was that the plan?
Me:   45-60 minutes
Matt: Dead on.
Me:   Ya this week is recovery. I'm half way through
Matt: Amazing it's that close. I was just thinking about how it's just around the corner.
Me:   Scary.
Matt: Do you feel like your plan is getting you in the shape you need?
Me:   I feel more confident, less frustrated and in better shape than last time. Not sure if I'm faster yet.
         I need to make time for the extras: core, weights, etc
Matt: You're amazing. Keep it up. Can I help you make time? How much can you do of that stuff at home?

Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner. With all of my crazy dreams and goals, I don't think I've ever been told 'no' or 'can't' by the people in my corner. It's amazing what someone else believing in you does for your confience.

My advice, if you want to go after something---go for it. First, believe in yourself... and then make sure you have the right people on your "team." There will always be days that are hard and it will seem like you just can't do it--that's when your team lifts you up and helps you through.

I'm one lucky girl... thanks for everyone who has been a part of my "team" over the years. It means more to me than you can imagine.

8 Merry Marathons... Day 7

Marathon 7: Bayshore Marathon, Traverse City, Michigan. May 28, 2011.

"Pressure is nothing more than the shadow of great opportunity." --Michael Johnson

Deciding to do my 7th marathon was almost a no-brainer. It was going to happen. I figured, why not go back to the course that I had previously experienced success. The time of the year seemed to work well for training and generally produced nice, northern Michigan race day weather. Also, after the cross country season ends I really need something to look forward to so I can get through all the non- cross country days. A marathon, yes. I hadn't stretched my goals in the marathon in a while, so I decided it was time to put in on the table. 3:10. It sounded nice. It was a really great round number. Yes, that will be my goal. Yes, you are correct, my previous best time was a 3:18. I thought cutting 8 minutes off was a great goal.

With my team we talk about setting multiple goals. This helps ensure you see some success (build confidence), while working towards some big self-improvements. We call them A, B, and C goals.

Mine looked this this:

C goal (I should obtain fairly 'easily'): This would be matching my previous best time of 3:18. Done before,should be possible again.

B goal (challenging, but doable with the right work): I settled on a 3:15. Challenging, yet realistic.

A goal (big dream goal): 3:10. It would take a lot to get it done in this marathon, but it is definitely possible at some point.

Then I told people about my goal. I posted it above my desk at work. Everyday I saw 3:10. I found a training plan and got to work... or at least tried to. Why? Why put the pressure on myself? I think one, for the words of Michael Johnson, that pressure lies in the shadow of great opportunity. Here was an opportunity to do something really great for myself, and the pressure should not diminish my ability to capitalize on these opportunities. I'm sure Pulitzer Prize winners felt pressure on the way to their greatness. Just saying.

But it was also important for me to share my goal to: help keep me accountable for the work, hopefully set a good example and also receive support. It helps me stay honest with myself. It also feels great to have people in your corner cheering you on.

That being said, training was an absolute bear. I was mentally defeated through most of the workouts, done before they started. I tried, boy did I ever. However, I wouldn't hit times for workouts and be devastated, leaving workouts unfinished. Throughout, I knew I was training hard, but I was not surprised that I didn't meet the 'A' goal. I ran a 3:13:42 that day and I WORKED for that time.

No pressure. I'm going after the new 'A' goal... 63 days until Boston.

This post was waiting to be put up.... probably thought I needed to add more to it... but in light of the mood today, I felt it was necessary to just post.

If you would like to learn more about why I'm blogging, please check out: my info on Girls on the Run Michiana.

Sadness.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. Not a day has gone by in the past year that she hasn't been on my mind or in my heart. My grandmother was such a beautiful person, both inside and out. For reasons I will spell out here, I unfortunately spent little time with my grandma in my adult years.

There are two memories that I will hold onto. One story will hopefully bring smiles and joy. The other, has only been shared with a very select few, but I feel like I want to share it here.

One of my fondest memories of my grandma was as an adult. We went to buy a dress for her to wear to my wedding. I brought her from South Bend and my mom brought nana from Chicago. We met in the middle. This excursion consisted of possibly the most one on one interaction my grandmother and I shared in my adult life. It was hard to find time with a grandmother of 30+ grandchildren, of which I'm the second oldest.

The trip was great. We had a chance to talk about what each of us were doing... some of our concerns (we had some sick family members), etc.. She was up for anything and I loved it. I was in and out of dressing rooms with both of my grandmas. They showed me battle scars of childbirth and surgeries, laughing as they went. Really, just hilarious. This is how it works. You have kids, you devote your life to them. Then you are 80 and wrinkled with the curtain of a dressing room open and don't give a damn. You've made it!

Grandma picked out a beautiful silver dress and jacket. Why stop there!? She was so cute to watch as she let the woman accessorize her (something she never does---maybe this is where I get it). She got the shoes, the earrings, the necklace, the bag---she looked amazing. I honestly don't know that I've ever seen my grandmother look more beautiful than she did on my wedding day. Her best accessory was her killer smile. It always makes me happy. I was so thankful to have this day with her--to share time, stories and a great afternoon.

This is a happy memory.

As previously stated, my grandma passed a year ago today. Around Christmas time, it was discovered that she had cancer. Despite check ups every 6 months, she had cancer. It was everywhere. It was devastating. My grandmother was the epitome of strength.

Some days when I am having a tough day, I try to imagine how I would respond to any one of the challenges life set before her---she would push on--that's how. And now she would try to push through cancer. To try to describe someone battling cancer is a lost cause, but as with everything, she kept her faith and remained strong.

In the weeks leading up to her death, I was not able to see her. Understandably, they were trying to prevent illnesses from coming into the house and taking her away any sooner. Not being able to see her was one of the most heart wrenching things I think I've had to go through. I called and tried to talk to her, knowing that it took all of her energy to stay focused and engaged on the phone, let alone talk. I sent flowers. Purple flowers--her favorite color.

The 12th was a Saturday, and with Valentine's Day and her birthday (17th) approaching, I went to get her flowers to send to the house. We knew that time was precious at this point and I made sure that they were delivered ASAP. The next part is what I haven't really shared....

The night of my grandmother's passing, I had a dream. In my dream I was working an intramural game at Saint Mary's. I looked up into the stands and my grandma was sitting there. She was radiant. She was there in jeans and a sweater, with her hair a glorious, glowing white. The brightest, most beautiful white hair I've ever seen. She was beaming--a broad smile that gave her crinkles around her eyes--the ones that let you know she's really happy. I was mesmerized by her even in my dream. And then she spoke to me, and she said, "It's ok Jackie, you can come and see me now."

I woke up to my phone buzzing a text message from my dad saying that my grandma had passed that night. It was surreal. She came and saw me before she left. While I would have done just about anything to have seen her before she passed, I feel eternally blessed that she came and comforted me, even in her final hour. I know that I was truly touched by an angel that night.

Maybe we always had a special connection. Maybe it's a grandmother's love. Thankfully, she received my flowers to know that I was praying for, and maybe she felt my heartache. Thankfully, she left knowing how much I loved her.

At her funeral, she wore the remarkable silver dress from my wedding.

And you thought I was nuts....

I've done my job. That's what I'm telling myself at least.

One of my goals as a coach is to show that running is much more than a sport. It's a lifestyle. It's part of your life, not just something you do for 3 months of the year. Not all of my athletes will become life long runners, and that's fine. It always makes me excited to see the ones that have made running a part of their life. I hope I contributed to that love or passion for running that what was once a sport has become a part of their day. That makes me feel fulfilled.

This weekend, the two from 'team crazy' that came up to run with me on my birthday are traveling down to Birmingham, Alabama for the Mercedez-Benz Marathon.... which will be the first of 5, yes FIVE, for Caitlin this year, and the first of at least 2 this year for Al. So... you thought I was crazy running one!

Why would someone do such a thing? For a great cause... Caitlin's brother has been serving in Afghanistan for I don't know how long now, but I can't imagine having a brother, my twin, being over there. Anyway, her five marathons are part of her bigger cause, running for Wounded Warriors. Please feel free to check out her website and help her out: http://www.runningforwarriors.com/

I'm so proud of both Caitlin and Alicen. I love that running has brought them closer and kep them close in the years after Saint Mary's. Just one of the perks of the sport.

Best of luck this weekend ladies! I know you will be spectacular :)

Inspiration...

I dare you to not be moved by this video.

“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”  --Thomas Edison

Case of the Mondays

I was definitely riding a high for the past week, which was great. Although tough, I made it through the workouts. Nailed a hilly 16 miler on Saturday morning. It was a week of alumnae and sunshine. I'm not sure if it's the weather or what... but today I have a serious case of the Mondays. In a Dredg mood...

"Here we go down that same old road again

Empathy controls the wind that blows and tickles our skin

A memory, a regret, a hope, a stimulant....

Recent it seems

We must push on, we must push on

Though we bleed

We must push on, we must push on...."

8 Merry Marathons... Day 6..

San Francisco Marathon, July 25, 2010

I can't find a quote to quite put into words what I took away from this marathon. However, the shirt I picked up at the expo said, "Worth the Hurt" across the front, and I believe that is fairly fitting.

The San Francisco Marathon has probably been my favorite to date. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of fun times with the others, but SF was special. This is how it happened to be that I ran SF in 2010:

I'm sitting on the couch around Christmas of 2009, deliberating over what race to try to train for, especially in light of my wedding, quickly approaching. I thought--Bayshore, I'll go back-- it's not too far away, it's at a great time of the year, it's fun... sure let's do that. So I ask Matt about it. On board with this idea? It's about a month and a half before the wedding... the downside being I might be on the DL for running leading up to the wedding (not good).

So usually Matt is in agreement with these things... but he said no! I was taken aback, but not nearly as taken aback as to what followed... he wanted to run a marathon together on our honeymoon! San Fran was the only real option in the states the following weekend. NUTS. Here is a man who would get on me for asking him to run 4 miles together. HE wanted to run a marathon... with me! Now that's something!

This is the first reason that I loved San Fran. I ran it with my husband, the "non" runner.
We trained together a lot. Many a 8-10 milers. Most all of our long runs. He could kick my butt. That was humbling to say the least, and even more frustrating that he was "not a runner." As most runners know, the road is where relationships are built, strengthened, and solidified. I feel like marathon training was one of the best things we could have done together leading up to our wedding. It gave us hours to talk about things, or not talk about things that were on our minds. It gave us time to find out what annoyed us about each other and what we loved.

Barely a week after tying the knot, we were out to Cali---enjoying Napa before heading to San Fran for the marathon. I loved that there was no pressure. No time goal per se. The deal was that we were going to run together. The whole time. Start to finish. That's exactly what we did.



On the balcony pre-race. Yes, it was that dark!

 The course is just awesome. Being my first time in San Fran, I would say it's the best way to see the city. You start on the Embarcadero... head past Fisherman's Wharf, past Chrissy Fields and up to the Golden Gate Bridge. You run across the bridge...and back over. At that point you're around 7-8 miles. You come off the bridge and run through the park for miles. I had to pee at 13 miles. The hills are everywhere. No, not quite the hills that you see in pictures with the street cars struggling up... but some weren't so far off. You run down Haight Ashbury... you see the drag queens. Miles 21-23 are rough. There's hardly anyone around and hardly anything to see and of course, you are in extreme pain at this point.

You round the home of the Giants... The long home stretch calls you... It was amazing. Draining. Exhausting.

We finished in 3:34. Together. Then ate all the goodies our stomachs could handle until we felt sick and meandered back to the hotel to attempt at a nap...  Worth the hurt.

8 Merry Marathons... Day 5...

So I started this marathon count down project before training started... and then life happened. It was Christmas. I lost a family member. I lost momentum. It was hard to get back to the goal but I feel like I need to finish it, for myself.

Marathon 5: Sunburst, South Bend, IN June 2009

"You can’t cram for the final. By that, I mean you’re not going to get any fitter during the last couple of  weeks before the race. So don’t try cramming any last minute long runs or extra training. The best thing you can do for your body is rest." -- Gordon Bakoulis Bloch

Ok, so while I didn't 'cram' for Sunburst, I definitely was not ready for it.... not because I was unprepared....because I was overworked. If I had run the marathon even 3 weeks earlier, I probably could have had a huge PR day. This is the joy of being able to look back on races and training....doesn't help you on that day...but hopefully it helps you in the future.

Leading up to Sunburst, I was running well. Really well at the long distance. At the beginning of May I 'rocked' a 20 miler along the Potomac. 7:40 pace... ya probably should have just added the last 6 and run my Sunburst time of 3:23. Good grief! That wasn't the killer though. The killer was agreeing to run the River Bank 25k a week later (roughly four weeks out from the marathon). I ran a 1:53 at the distance. 7:16 pace...aka practically goal pace for Boston this year. It's not an easy course. It has some real decent hills. I would recommend it to anyone---just not that close to a marathon. The problem is.. I cannot enter a race and not compete... what was a "oh ya... I'll just run and use this as a training run" turned into how well can I race this thing. Too competitive. Tried to convince myself that I was 'holding back.' whoops. I'm pretty sure my dad advised against running this one... dang.

So... what is the point you ask? Well these training runs did not prepare me to race well at Sunburst, and I subsequently felt it at mile 16... hated myself at 20... was running (walking) alone up past mile 23... and just wanting it to be over. Mentally, I was totally defeated. I was on pace for a 3:08-3:12 through the first half and just fell apart. It was too much. Lesson learned---just because you can, doesn't mean you should go balls out on training runs. I feel like I've really learned a lot about how I best train...and while I love to run long at a good clip, it needs to be done in moderation. Glad to put this one behind me.

Sunburst 3:23. 9th woman

30 & Grateful

Big Thank You to everyone who made yesterday such a fabulous birthday! Biggest thank you to Matt, who made it a fun day full of surprises and friends!

Highlights of the day include: breakfast in bed, a long run with two former athletes,  a fun SMC basketball game, my brother coming into town, and dinner with great friends. Now I just want to nap!

In preparation for my 30th, I reflected back on past years and how I got to where I am today. In the end, I've put together a list of 30 things that I've learned over the years that I want to pass on here.

30 Things I’ve Learned in 30 Years

1.       I love that my parents did not let me read Seventeen before I was seventeen, or Teen before I was a teen.

2.       People will always be opinionated. Know what opinions matter to you and which are irrelevant. If I listened to everyone’s opinions, I wouldn’t work at Saint Mary’s. Thank you to my parents and John for continually supporting me while I made the tough decision to work crazy hours at multiple jobs to make it by and do what I love, coach.

3.       Change is hard. It is not always fun. It usually makes you a better person though.

4.       Cry. It’s cleansing.

5.       Don’t cry in front of your boss. (unless it’s Julie Schroeder-Biek).

6.       Go on a service trip. A whole trip. Not 2 hours of volunteering. Be amazed at how much your heart can grow.

7.       Frequently I am mistaken for a college student. Most people tell me to consider this a blessing. I see their point, but it’s really hard to be taken seriously or given much credit when people think you are the one being coached, not the coach! Not sure if turning 30 helps, but the grays might!

8.       Girls… get married… don’t get married… whatever you want to do… do it on your time. You’re the only one spending the rest of your life with that person---only do it if you’re ready.

9.       Litmus test for a good man= will he go to the store and buy you feminine products? If yes, keep him!!

10.   Go to the gynecologist. Yes, this is possibly my least favorite thing to do. However, if you want to have babies, healthy bones and live a long time, get ‘er done. Take charge of your health. (Along with this.. you are supposed to have periods… if you’re not---something’s wrong!)

11.   If I had a dollar for every time my dad told me “Life isn’t fair,” to my “It’s not fair!” tirades as a child I could retire tomorrow. As it turns out, per usual, he was right. Life’s not fair. So you figure out how to make it work.

12.   I was a feminist before I knew the word. 

13.   It doesn’t matter how competent I am… if I’m asked to speak in front of a large group of people, I WILL pit out. Look for it and please make a joke. It will make me feel better. Although I have tried to go to all sleeveless options when put in these circumstances.

14.   Respect is earned. For those that choose the, “I’m your elder” route… good luck.

15.   Someone is always worse off than you. Keep it in perspective.

16.   If your parents parent while you are a child, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be friends when it counts. I’m so thankful for this in my own life.

17.   You can only really help others when you’re ok yourself. Start on the home front, so you can be better for everyone.

18.   One of the lessons at Girls on the Run is illustrated through a tube of toothpaste. Can you put the toothpaste back in once it is squeezed out? Hardly. You can try. It gets messy. Therefore we should only squeeze out what we need when we need it. We need to take the same approach with our words. Be careful with what we say, because once it’s out there, you can’t take it back, try as you might. If you don’t know how you feel about something—wait. Sometimes the damage caused by hurtful words can never be repaired.

19.   I’m not a morning person. At all. However, I have been known to do some major fist pumping to Lady Gaga at 5:15am on the way to morning practices. Just saying, I <3 SMC XC.

20.   Being “little Bauters” was tough. In high school there were the running and academic comparisons; as well as the inability to date certain guys. Today, the only consolation is that I know if I do half of the amount of good in my life as John, I’ll die a happy person. Keep doing what you do best—making the world a better place.

21.   I was sued at 17. We won. There are a lot of life lessons in this one. Unfortunately one is that there are some really awful people out there.

22.   However, I have been blessed with some of the best friends and family a girl could ever ask for. If everything was gone tomorrow, I’d still be one lucky lady.

23.   Exercise. It brings such a genuine clarity of mind. All I need now is a device that I can carry while I run that literally records my thoughts as they free flow. If anyone can create this portable device, count me in! I’m pretty sure I’ve cured cancer, wrote novels, and had general enlightenments on runs that would be noteworthy at this time. However, I find that I return to being a sub-intelligent human being once I stop. At least I know that stuff is still working upstairs…

24.   Success doesn’t come overnight. Success comes from hard work, long hours and learning from failure. Remember that failing is part of the gig. Sometimes it might sting but it makes you stronger.

25.   Cancer is everywhere. I quite possibly will die of cancer. So here is what I say: Live your life. Love what you do. Know that any day it might end.

26.   #25 being said, death sucks. Nothing really ever prepares you for it.

27.   College really is the greatest time of your life! I miss my running buddies to rehash weekends and life problems. I miss ‘tea time’ with the Ireland group. I miss eating tots in the old DH. I miss spending 99% of my waking time with my other half, JB. I miss actively learning.

28.   I strongly believe that you should have to pass a test in order to procreate.

29.   Having your curly and unruly hair (and bangs, mind you) cut on the front porch by your CPA father throughout grade school builds character. That’s what I’m telling myself.

30.   Putting yourself “out there” is scary but such a great learning tool. It makes you stronger. Writing this blog scares the crap out of me. I’ve definitely censored thoughts, reconsidered ideas, and tried to keep my audience in mind for perspective, but ultimately feel like I’m sharing a lot of who I am. If we’re honest with ourselves—I don’t know if we can ask for much more.

There are so many other things I could have included, like some of the quotes to live by... but there is only so much time! Look for more in blogs to come. If you have any 'nuggets of wisdom' that you've gleaned from your experiences... share!